In 2000 the SAKU belt was created. It is prophesied this belt will be the key to salvaging the integrity of MMA. Its journey has been long and arduous. Please subscribe so as to follow the SAKU belt on its journey to the end day prophesy. I encourage you to read from the first posting to the last to understand the legend.
The bowels of the world shook with quakes as the Evil Org grew rampantly, uncontrollably with greed and power. Although Dana’s ugly Ogre had been stripped of the belt by Cain “The Noble Mexican” Velasquez, whose fighting career had been born in the good org, the times were nonetheless showing their signs. The Evil Org sunk its talons into the good org and gnashed its teeth and pressed its evil serpentine body against it and made it one with itself…..awwwwwww….but perhaps…perhaps the Evil org didn’t notice a simple mistake it had made. Satoshi Ishii, the holder of the Super Hluk belt had crept quietly into the good org just before the merger. And now the final battle for the Saku Belt has proven imminent.
The offspring of the Eastern org emerged not like a child, but like a dream, and in that Dream Minowaman came forth as the essence of Super Hluk incarnate. And the Dream child of the eastern org was protective when announcing its upcoming battles because it did not want the evil org to know, because the evil org is filled with jerks and if they learned too soon that a promising fight were about to occur they would throw hordes of money on one of the potential participants to lure them into the evil org where they would summarily destroy their careers and thus monopolize the industry of mixed martial arts so as to further assassinate the integrity of the sport. It was for this reason that the dream child of the now deceased but not forgotten eastern org jealously guarded the names of all prospective opponents for the Super Hluk belt. Now, only a few weeks before one of their upcoming events, rumors began to emerge about the next opponent to vie for the belt, and his name was James Thompson. James was known as he who looks like a juggernaut but fights like a kitten. He who has both a chin of brittle glass and hands of billowy feathers. He who bumbles like a bee but stings like a butterfly.
James Trying His Best
Now many believers in the prophecy were elated to hear that James would be the Minowaman’s next opponent. But some were disheartened, for all knew that James could not possibly defeat Minowaman. This was problematic to their hearts because it was well known that Minowaman would no longer fight outside of Japan where he had fallen to Earth from Splash heaven, but if the prophecy were to come to fruition the belt would need to leave Japan so as to arrive in good western org. But how could he, James, who roars like a lion but attacks like bunny possibly defeat Minowaman, who has been cursed to never find love because he leglocks even in his sleep? But the answer to the believers in the prophecy is that whether or not James is the one prophesized to deliver the belt to the Good Western org, no one can beat Minowman unless Minowaman has decided that his opponent is worthy enough of a person to hand over the belt by taking a dive in the fight. And many believe that James is the man that Minowaman will select for a couple of reasons. One reason being that the evil org will never attempt to recruit James Thompson who could hit a puppy in the face at full force 100x and the puppy would fall peacefully asleep as if it’s belly were being rubbed. Thus if the belt were with James, perhaps he could be signed by the good western org without threat of an Evil org dirty tactic. That being said, its no guarantee as the evil org has also signed the likes of Phil Baroni who was coming off a loss, Mark Coleman who was coming off of a loss etc etc despite proselytizing that they only sign the best of the best. Nonetheless, James Thompson would make a fantastically comfortable, injury free win for any HW in the good org who would then deliver the belt to the Fedor so as to feed the Fedor the necessary power to retrieve the Saku belt and save the integrity of MMA!
It was that I was walking when without provocation some of the Evil Orgs foot soldiers spotted me. Again, I knew for that they were minions of the Evil Org because they brandished the the dedicated minion uniform (eg. TapouT shirts). And it so happened that one of these Minions extended his middle finger in my direction, and he was probably like 30 years old and still wearing TapouT shirts!:
Minions
And I called to him and I said, "Do you extend your middle finger at me?"
And seeing that I had seen him he was quiet, but answered, "I extend my middle finger, but not at thee." And so I looked around to see whom besides myself he could have been extending his middle finger at and lo, no one was present for him to extend his middle finger at and so I asked, "If you do not extend your middle finger at me, then who do you extend your middle finger at?"
And he was quite, but then he responded, "I extend my middle finger at your shirt," and my shirt was a Fedor shirt, and he elaborated, "it is my belief that Fedor is a coward." I shook my head and continued forth toward my intended destination, but he saw something about me that apparently caught his attention.
"You are him aren't you?" He asked, "You are the one who has prophesied about the SAKU-Belt."
And I replied as I have before, "I am not he who Prophesies, rather I am a scribe of the prophecy."
"That is close enough. Tell us Scribe of Fedor's origins so that we may laugh at you," he mocked to the delight of his minion friends. And by this time a crowd had gathered for they were standing in front of a Hooters smoking Tobacco, and Hooters is a regularly meeting place for the Evil Org's dumb-ass minions. I did not want to indulge them, but I do feel it my responsibility to make known the Prophecy and the oral traditions about the prophecy to those that will listen and so I said, "Hearken for I shall tell you of the Fedor's origins, but quickly, for my bus is soon to arrive."
And the group came before me to listen and I told them this:
I should make you aware that there is more than one explanation of the Fedor's origins. Watch this video:
And after they had watched the video I explained that this was filmed in 1969 and supposedly by the KGB of a crashed flying saucer. I further explained that legend says that the technology that was discovered from that wreckage was used to construct a time traveling cyborg. That cyborg was Fedor who went into the future and when he came back he had knowledge of future events and thus was able to share the prophecy.
And the Minions laughed and said "That is what you believe! That is ridiculous!" And oh how they enjoyed their shared disdain for me a humble scribe and for Fedor and for anyone that likes Fedor for Dana White does not like Fedor and they wished to please him. But they were startled by my response:
"No, I do not believe that. Only a crackpot idiot would believe that. And the only people as stupid as them would be anyone that believed that there was actually a fair share of people that literally believed that Fedor is a cyborg!"
And they were quite, and some began to blush.
"Fedor is a mere mortal, born in Rubiznhe, Luhansk. Although in someways I suspect he always knew his destiny, which revealed herself to him as a beautiful woman in his childhood, or at least so says the moderately popular 1996 music video by Era; Enae Volare Mezzo, which is the true source of the prophecy."
See here if you have not seen it:
And so they watched the video, many, most, if not all for the first time. And to some the truth of the Prophecy was revealed and to those that it was, they pulled off their TapouT shits in embarrassment and threw them in the mud, for there was mud there and they wanted to muddy their stupid TapouT shirts. But then they looked upon their bare torsos and saw so many stupid tattoos and felt even more embarrassed. And some began to cry and ask for my forgiveness and I said, "I am only the scribe of the Prophecy, my forgiveness will do nothing for you. But you are saved for now you have faith in the Prophecy." And they asked if they could follow me and I said, "No, jeez, I'm going home on the bus." But I encouraged them to subscribe to my blog and they did. But others were not persuaded, even after watching the music video, and so they went back into Hooters and continued to believe that their waitresses actually liked them.
The following is the path the belt has taken and the fighters it has left in its wake. Next to each is their records prior to taking the belt and next to that their records post losing the belt. Oh the tragedy this belt has wraught in the wrong hands:
Brock Lesnar pre: 2 - 1 - 0 Post: still has the belt.
Thus it was that their combined records prior to winning the belt, excluding Lesnar who still has the belt, was 85 - 22 - 4 - 1 which is a winning percentile of 76%. But their combined records after losing the belt 37 - 27 - 2 which is winning percentile of only 56%. Woe upon those that have been burned by its awesome power
How does one describe that which both is and is not. It is certainly more isn’t now as previously explained, in that now it exists only in an ethereal sense, but that doesn’t make it less real. Nay, some would argue that it is more real now then when it was a tangible work of fine metallurgy. Most of what we know of its creation is simply that which is gathered through oral tradition. Here is what is known through said tradition:
Probably how the belt was forged
Upon his string of victories over the ancient Gracie clan, it became apparent to Kazushi “The Gallant” Sakuraba that with each loss their fighter spirits dimmed like melted candles. Soon those fighting spirits would be lost forever, and perhaps that was the way it should have been, but even if so, that is not how things came to be. Sakuraba, with kindred spirit in honor of all the Gracie Clans contributions to the sport, gathered those pieces of their departed fighting spirits and imbued them into the molten metal (possibly plastic) of his belt. How that process works is quite mysterious and is probably best not understood should one make the mistake of constructing another such belt (and another was created, but that is for another post). The belt became far too powerful, infusing whoever possessed it with the technique and strength of the Gracies (understandably, it is a lot more technique than strength). Some of the finest scientific minds in Astrology, orthopedics and gardening have even posited that the belt chips away at the fighting spirits of all those that fall before it, and thus is only growing in power. Soon the belt, per say, but more so the essence of the belt, could no longer be contained by mere matter. It became in a sense an entity of its own and a parasitic one at that, thriving off whichever host should defeat the host before it.
Possibly Photoshopped picture of Fedor
All who watched it grow and destroy many a career of men who could not contain its power realized that only a special person (or non-person and that is up for debate) could safely wield the belt. In doing so this person could liberally spread the essence of the belt through the ranks of a worthy organization so that organization could honorably maintain the integrity of Mixed Martial Arts. For this reason a tournament was held in 2004. It could only be hoped that the winner of this tournament would be he who was in the prophecy as the true guardian of the belt, and by all accounts, he was. Fedor Emelianenko (to be discussed in depth in another posting) emerged the victor. Unfortunately, before he had a chance to vie for the belt, Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic, as was also forseen, took the belt to the evil org. It now is in the hands of the Evil Orgs stupid, ugly, smelly Ogre, Brock Lesnar. With Lesnar’s raw strength enhanced by the technique and talent imbued in the essence of the belt, some fear he is unbeatable. But a belt made up of pure strength may give he who has enough talent the necessary strength to defeat Lesnar. And hence, the SuperHluk belt.
And so it went that Randy “The Elder” Couture was not the prophesied one and many were disheartened as a lineage of prospective prophesied ones all seemed to fail. Antonio Noguiera, the man with the Orca Hole, who it was suggested would vie for the title should he beat Randy “The Ancient One” Couture was instead denied the title shot and subsequently went on to lose to Frank “Big Head” Mir. Frank “Big Head” Mir was another that some hoped would be the prophesied one. In a time past he had beaten the Evil Overlords smelly Ogre, Brock Lesnar, but that was before Brock wielded the awesome power of the SAKU belt, a power that had even proven to be too great for Randy “The Living Fossil” Couture. Brock made easy work of Mir causing his head to balloon to an even larger size than before! Then there was Shane “The Exaggerated” Carwin who was promoted to a title shot without fighting Cain “He who is proud of Brown” Velasquez. Carwin was able to knock the ogre down and cause it to do a possum defense from the fetal position. Unfortunately, Carwin was exhausted by the end of his first round attack due to a lack of endurance. Carwin would go on to say that it was not a lack of endurance, rather that his body had just stopped working. In other words, a lack of endurance.
Dana refuses to pay Werdum fairly
Many began to lose faith in the prophecy. Those of so little faith now wander aimlessly, but those who were steadfast had to face another painful milestone. A man who came to prominence in the Eastern Org, Fabricio “the pretzel maker” Werdum, was determined to fight his way to the SAKU belt. Although it was a rocky road, he managed a respectable 2 – 2 record against solid opposition and before the last loss was rumored to be one fight away from facing the ugly, stupid ogre. Unfortunately he lost and his contract with the evil org was done. When Werdum tried to make a new contract with them and asked for a reasonable pay so that he may sustain a stable existence, the evil overlords refused because they hate to pay their stable of fighters fairly. It thus became unfeasible for Werdum to continue under the roof of the evil org.
And so it was that Werdum prematurely entered the smaller, kinder org and continued his winning ways. There he fought the great Fedor, the SAKU belts true guardian. At that same time, detractors of the prophecy decried the Fedor’s opposition and called the Fedor a coward. They taunted him with song. They sang:
“Fedor…Superstar…do you believe you’re as great as they say you are?”
But Fedor was noble and humble and always responded, “I do not say that I am great, you say so.”
Those that hated him seethed at his calm demeanor and his humility angered them and so they ignored it and kept saying things like “If the Fedor thinks he is so great then he needs to fight so and so.” But the Fedor never said he was great so they should shut their stupid faces! Anyhow, the Fedor fought Werdum and lost. Oh how the faithful mourned. Woefully did we cry out to the point that my Mom was like “Shut up and blog about it already, then look for a damn job.”
Without the SAKU belt it was clear that the Fedor’s powers were waning over time. It began to seem to some that the prophecies were wrong, and more lost faith, and more wandered aimlessly and confused.
STOP! I say. Stop your aimless wandering, come back to your faith in the prophecy. Hearken, for in the East hope has descended. Legend says he comes from Splash Heaven. If you do not know Splash Heaven, worry not for I shall tell you what Splash Heaven is: It is the place from whence he came and whence he came was from Splash Heaven. They say he is part man and part Minowa, and they call to him and say, “you are Minowaman.”
Minowaman Fights Superhulk
At first Minowman had a spotty career in the art of pugilism and many questioned whether he was truly a part of the legend at all. But he was simply gaining power slowly, kind of like Goku in Dragon Ball Z. In fact if you had one of those eye-piece power-gages they have in Dragon Ball Z and you looked at Minowa, you would have an eye-full of glass as it would totally explode. And when his power was where it needed to be, a tournament was created. A tournament of SuperHulks. Although the participants were shallow in talent, they were colossal in strength. Minowa entered the tournament and defeated all of the SuperHulks and was able to steal their strength, but no man can contain that much strength. He would need to fuse it in a belt that of course could never be as strong as the SAKU belt, but may be the only hope of ever retrieving the SAKU belt. Unfortunately, the masons that constructed the organization that held the SuperHulk tournament were too stupid to make a belt for him. But ease your apprehension by knowing that the prophecy tells of a golden child who will fashion the belt for him the Minowaman and that Golden child was found and did as was prophesied.
Minowaman Sports the Super Hluk belt
Since obtaining the belt, many have tried to take it from Minowaman, but their efforts have been fruitless. However, the belt will need to start its journey West and Minowaman is simply waiting for a man strong in character and ability to take it there, so as to give it to whomever will eventually rival the evil orgs big smelly, gross ogre.
It came to pass that I was blogging while at a local coffee establisment. It so happened upon this day that I came upon two of the Evil Overlord's brainwashed minions awaiting their order of coffee drink. I knew immediately they were in fact minions for they were fully garbed in their minion uniforms (TapOut shirts). And so it was that I overheard their minionesque conversation:
Minion 1: "I love fire and skulls and stuff."
Minion 2: "Yes, I concur, fire and skulls are of great satisfaction to me. I love it almost as much as I love training UFC."
Minion 1: "For certain, for certain. It goes without saying that I love training UFC, for it is superior to all others. You know what I hate? Fedor."
Minion 2: "Yes, I hate Fedor as well. And I believe he is terrible at fighting UFC."
Minion 1: "Oh it feels good to me that we are so agreeable. I believe we would make Dana White proud and that Dana White would like both of us very much. I have an idea, let us ignore the many many top ten ranked fighters that Fedor has fought and defeated for that is convenient to us."
Minion2: "Let us also ignore that litany of past UFC champions he has fought and defeated, for that too is convenient for us."
Minion1: Yes than I say to thee let us only ever acknowledge his fights against Zulu, Hong Man Choi and Matt Lindland and pretend as if those are the only three people he has ever fought, for that is also quite convenient to our beliefs."
It was after this final statement that I who transcribe the prophecies facepalmed. Although it was not my intention, the facepalm was apparently loud enough to attract the attention of Dana's dumb-ass minions. Over my shoulder they saw my Blog and they demanded to know, "Say you, tell us, are you the one who prophesied about the rise of a small org to compete with our favorite org."
"No, it was not I who prophesied the rise of a small org, I am merely a scribe of the prophesy, I do not however have the power of prophesy" I replied unto the brutes.
"Tell us then, we beseech you, who is the prophesier for that we should confront him."
It was then that I called them over and brought up before them an motion image from the land of YouTube.
"There I say to you. The prophecy is there before you. From its beginning to its end."
The dumb-ass minions watched the prophecy but were not able to understand it and they said unto me: "We watch the prophecy but we do not understand it."
"Of course you do not understand it, but the prophecy which began to unfold on March 25, 2001 was foretold here in this moderately popular 1996 music video by the band Era. The prophecy is revealed in symbol and metaphor so that it may confuse dumb-asses, but to those that are purist fans of MMA, the prophecy is quite clear, so clear in fact that I know how it will end."
"Tell us then how it will end," they pleaded, but I did not tell them, I simply laughed and encouraged them to subscribe to my blog.
